Ok, yes, yes i know it has been like a month and a half since i have up-dated my xanga.  So THERE its up-dated. HAPPY? And gee, i feel so loved, i didnt know that i had so many admirerers.  So i dont know what to write cuz i pissed off at my mom cuz she is being stupid as usual.  So here is my latest poem and it is yet to be titled, so you guys are just going to have to go withouth a title for a while.  So let me give you some background...so i went to the retreat for my church last weekend and it was SO great by the way, and i met this guy....well there was something about him that was sad...but i couldnt pin point it...he was sorta.....lost.   Well, i looked into his eyes and this is what i saw

You're running from something;

   you're afraid and alone

Seeking something---maybe truth, maybe love...

     You know not what you are hurting of

Pcik up the pace, but be wary, for you run into dark---

     Towards some unknown place

      Towards an empty journey, that you will embark

The sweat down your face melts your past away

    and as you run faster, distance becomes your dangerous master

    that sweeps all those hurtful memories from your broken heart

     Into something that is no longer a part

                    Of you.

Wherefore do you run?  Have the courage to come face to face with you past,

            the great enemey of your life that unceasingly follows

There you stand, still afraid, still alone, but friend,

         take comfort, for you do not walk this journey on you own

In your midst, that Lord stands, ready to fight, to die

      for the sake of your own man

Fear not, precious boy, stop running from yourself

       The Lord is here, ready to take your hand and

        lead you to his land;

        To His purpose, to make you fly, into his mercy... into the sky

And there, now, your run, it ends.

Ok so i dont know if that is the end...i might come up with something else i want to add to the end, but for now, that's it.

Ok. i know its been a long time since my last entry but i have been busy.  I do have a life you know.  Or maybe i wish i did, its one or the two though.  I'm going to winter formal! YAY! i was so happy that someone asked, you know i think that most guys have lost confidence in themselves because i see more and more that it is the girls who are asking the guys out and not vise versa.  Well, this guy Matt Callebs asked me and i know him from last year but i didnt really talk to him a whole lot this year.  He always threw stuff at me everytime i walked by him though and that started to get annoying.  But he is nice and sweet and not so horrible to look at.  So, at least im going with someone.  And i really wanted to go and dress up n stuff, so im content.  Anyway lately things have been so hectic.  I have to work on my review sheet this weekend.  In fact i should be working on it right now but i dont want to.  Instead im doing this and listening to Puddle of Mudd.  They're pretty good.  I am so busy this weekend! i cant believe it i wish that my life would slow down a little.  But im working on time management so hopefully that'll help.  Anyway, i was gonna meet this guy this weekend that i have been talking to for over 6 months and btw his code name is cyber boy so just in case i say that he is the one i am talking about.  But now i cant meet him because he has a D in spanish which is understandable because he comes from a german background. Sigh.  i feel like my life is systematic and boring, i wish that i had a different life, something more interesting and unique.  In fact, i wish i were unique.  I dont feel like my own person, like im not different or special.  I dont see any amazing diferenciating qualities that make me different or special in any way.  I dont know i think i might be having an identity crises.  I dont feel like i know who i am or what makes me, me.    O well such is life i suppose.  Well it goes on but sometimes it seriously sucks.  Ok i should go now and work on my never ending review sheets.  Til next time! Hopefully it wont be as long as last time.  Peace ya'll. (haha jk i dont talk like that i just wanted to say it cuz its funny. I know, radomness.)

Hey everyone, im bored as always and i need to clean my room....its....messy.  I havent started my hw yet, idk why and i promised myself that i was gonna learn time management.  I really need that to get through school...ahh i dont know how to go about learning it though, maybe i should take a class or something.  I just spilled soda all over my desk a while ago too, maybe i should learn not to be a clutz to haha like that will ever happen.  Today my mom and i were talking to a friend about my classes and college and such and my mom kept interrupting to say that the classes i was taking were to hard and that i shouldnt  be taking them and all that and i told her to be quiet cuz i am serioulsy tired of all her discouragement, its not going to help anything and it certainly wont make me drop any of my classes...she never encourages me...itsnt that what parents are supposed to do   I dont think that she believes that i can do it...and for some reason she credits my "bad attitude" to my classes and any extra-ciricluar activities that i am involved in... and then while we were talking to our friend she says that she wanted me to take art classes and suddenly now, only according to her, i want to be an artist when i grow up...i dont know where she got that idea...i thought that this was my life!. I think that my brother is depressed, he has lost twenty pounds in two months and he doesnt eat as much as he used to.  AND he says that he wants to go live with my dad!!!!  i dont know what he is thinkin, he is in total denial about the relationship that he has with my dad.  Two months after my dad cussed him out and threw him out and called him a woman... he didnt remember that it happened!!!! i cant believe this, he has serious problems, nd he doesnt even remember being beatin as a child or begging my mom to not make him go with my dad (she couldnt do anything about, it was the court oder) and comming home and  crying and screaming that he hated him and all the games he played with our heads and all the names my dad called him...and all the s**t that we went through...he seriousl, no joke does not remember any of it.  He told my mom that because of her he was deprived of a relationship with his dad and that she brain washed him....funny this was the kind of crap, word for word that my dad used to tell us. And now matthew is repeating it and he doesnt even remember my dad telling us that every time we saw him.  I dont know what is going on, he is in serious denial and im scared for him.  It seems like my family is fallin apart again...